Week Twelve

As Guy flies off to Spain on Thursday, we decide we will finish the ceiling tongue and groove on Monday/Tuesday and have a quiet night on Wednesday – romantic meal, last night together, candles, bottle of wine – all that stuff.

The Monday and Tuesday bit works fine.  We tongue and groove till we are heartily sick of it – it’s a BIG ceiling.  Slight hitch on Monday when the remaining wood is delivered – meant to be cut to size, but actually not cut to size.  Still, we set up the mitre saw with a new lump of wood at the right place, and cut all 96 pieces ourselves….

On Tuesday we finish the last bit of the ceiling and I realise we also need to put in the ‘liner hanger’ before the surround (due to be delivered Wednesday) can be fitted on Friday.  Not to worry, we agree we’ll do it Wednesday before our Romantic Meal.

On Wednesday the wood is delivered for the surround (looks lovely – needs four coats of oil before Friday, so plan to do one later) and we fit the liner hanger.  Fiddly job, uses self tapping screws – which are incredibly vicious self drilling little buggers.  Our underpowered drill ‘snatches’ at the end of every screw, so it is hard on the hands.  We agree that Guy shouldn’t do it, given that he does actually need all ten of his fingers to play the melodeon and it is a music tour he is going on…. So I do it.  All the ones through the single metal thickness are fine.  First one on the double thickness:  nope.  Not A Hope.  Doesn’t even dent the metal.  Try another screw – same result.  Try drilling a pilot hole – snap two drill bits.  The air is BLUE.  Yes, ok, by me – Guy has the patience of a saint.  I don’t!  Try another TWO screws – same problem.

Decide to abandon screws in double thickness, and do the bits we can.  Easy peasy (apart from the still snatching drill).  Come to another double part – try it, easy peasy.  Go back to original problem hole – easy peasy.  We must have had FOUR blunt tapping screws in a row – what are the odds on that??  Make mental note to buy lottery ticket – am obviously lucky on high odds this week…..

Eventually finish liner hanger.  Just need to bung one quick coat of Danish Oil on surround before late dinner….  We oil surround.  Easy job, wood is beautiful – going to look gorgeous.  We stand back to admire it.  The wood looks different colours.   We have a closer look.  The wood is different colours.  There are four long straight pieces for the sides and ends, and four corner pieces.  The long pieces are in golden iroko, and the corners are in red iroko.  IT’S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A BLOODY PATCHWORK QUILT.  I Am Not Happy.  This, yet again, comes under the heading of ‘I don’t believe it’ and I think I am slowly turning into Victor Meldrew….

I phone the wood miller.  Answerphone.  I phone his mobile.  Turned off.  I phone his office and leave distinctly terse message on his answerphone.  It is getting late and I still need to do flyers for Guy to take to Spain, and take up his new trousers.  And there’s some serious stomping around to be done….

Guy cooks, I do flyers, alter trousers, get grumpier.  We finally eat about 10.30 at night, sit down cosily for a glass of wine – and both fall asleep.

On Thursday Guy flies off to the sunshine and music, and I do very little apart from go to work.  To his credit (this man is brave) the wood miller phones me at 8.15 on Thursday morning to say he had no idea it was different colours, he’ll sort it etc etc etc.  We agree that he and the carpenter will both come to the cabin on Friday to discuss the new plan of action.  Thursday evening Wyn the Wire comes round and drills two holes I need in the metal pool surround, and has a look at what’s arrived.  It’s like Christmas – most of the boxes in the sitting room are opened, and we find a pump, a heater, an electric box thing and a timer.  Wyn is suitably impressed by the American efficiency, and goes home with the video and instructions to do his homework.

On Friday I have my day off (booked to have the surround fitted, now being used to get the patchwork quilt effect sorted) and Gareth the Wood and Dave (the wood miller) duly arrive.  They haven’t met before, so I do introductions:  ‘Gareth – Dave, Dave – Gareth’.  We start talking wood.  Then they both enter into what can only be describe as ‘wood-one-upping’ about the hardest woods they have cut.  Dave:  ‘I had a piece of yew once that blunted three blades’.  Gareth:  ‘I had a piece of oak that was so tough it broke my saw’.  Dave:  ‘My piece of oak was so tough it bent the nail on a power hammer’.  Gareth:  ‘My piece of oak was even tougher – it shattered the nail.’  It is like verbal ping-pong – I think Gareth wins, but it is a close run thing.   I am SO glad that Guy isn’t around – we would not be able to keep straight faces….

They are dragged back to the matter in hand, agree to lose a bit on the golden lengths which is spare, cut it off, Dave takes it (and the red corners) away and promises to let me have the new golden corners soon.  Trouble is, Gareth is now away at Butlins for a week, so it will all come to a grinding halt…  I move the remaining pieces into the sitting room to get them out of the way of the work in the cabin.  My poor sitting room.  I’d only just emptied it of tongue and groove….

I spend the rest of Friday fiddling covering bits of ceiling that weren’t covered by whole pieces of tongue and groove with cut down pieces of tongue and groove.   I discover talents I didn’t know I had with a chisel….

On Saturday I add tongue and groove to the stud wall.  Which is fine, I really do have the hang of T&G now, except that every single nail is fitted either by being down in the pit or up on the staging.  Like a step class but with bigger steps… and lasting longer.  It takes me about two hours.  I just KNOW that I’m going to ache tomorrow…  Once the wall is covered, the ‘equipment room’ at the far end resembles the black hole of Calcutta.  Note to Wyn the Wire:  WE NEED LIGHT IN HERE SOON!  The back of the stud wall still needs tongue and grooving – but that can wait!

In the afternoon, for a little light relief, I put the base coat of stain on the ceiling.  Sarah’s tip for staining ceilings: get some other mug to do it.  Stain in my hair, down my arms, up my nose (I know, I know – don’t breathe) and in my eyes.  This latter somewhat alarming.  Stings like hell – I am aware of dire warnings on can: In the event of contact with the eyes, rinse well and consult a doctor.  Yes, well, I don’t have time for that, apart from the fact it would mean climbing down from the staging/ladder AGAIN.  Better solution: burst into tears.  Works a treat – sort of washing from the inside….

By Saturday evening the ceiling (including the trusses) is stained.  I am stained.  My clothes are indescribably disgusting, and my hair is a funny colour.  I cleanse my face with white spirit (mmm, nice) and have a long hot bath – doesn’t work, still stink of white spirit.

On Sunday I have a DAY OFF!  I have a girlie day out with Anna who is thinking of getting a Smart car – so only thing to do is go out to play for the day.  We have coffee, shop, and a picnic on the beach watching a riding class fall off their horses.  And Anna gets to drive the Smart all day.  Excellent idea.  In the evening for a little light relief I mow the grass, weed the flowerbeds, deadhead the roses and kill ants with that lovely white powdery stuff….

Hours worked: Totally lost count.  Every evening, all of Saturday (including the ‘step class’ which counts double) none on Sunday.  Let’s just call it Lots Of Hours.
Achieved:  Stud wall tongued and grooved, ceiling and trusses stained with base coat (only two top coats to go…), Sarah stained with base coat, liner hanger in, long bits of wood surround oiled.  No corners.
Cock-Up of the week.  This is a new category, and one sort of left over from last week – when we put up the pool sides and pushed them against the wall, I forgot to add polystyrene sheeting to the outside of the pool walls as insulation.  Once it was against the wall it couldn’t be reached.  Solution:  Tip polystyrene chips down gap between wall and pool.  No problem.  Problem:  Can’t fit polystyrene in Smart.  End up borrowing Guy’s car at 6.30am on Wednesday and Thursday to go get chips.  Get too many, take one bag back on Friday.  Hell, who needs sleep anyway???
Purchases and Pressies: Three bags of polystyrene chips from my new friend Charlie at the polystyrene factory.
Wine consumed: Not a lot – we were working too hard to drink anything!  OK, so Guy pressed a large sloe gin on to me on Wednesday evening when the surround went pear shaped, and we finished a bottle of wine before nodding off too.
Wish of the week: Bigger ears, so that my pencil would stay put.  Would be useful for tongue and grooving.  Or one of those fab builder’s belt things that you can Put Things In.
Plan for Week Thirteen: Two more coats of stain on the ceiling, tongue and groove back of stud wall, stain it three times, two more coats of stain on door end and window side, get proper colour corners.  And go to work….